I spent this Wednesday morning with 2 of my favorite Mommies playing with our boys in the backyard, watching them play with dump trucks and venture up the ladder and down the slide more times than I can count. William and I sat on the bench swing and sang “The B-I-B-L-E” together. The sun was out and good conversation abounded. Before I knew it, I looked at my watch and realized the morning had already passed and it was time to leave for my doctor’s appointment. One of my friends had graciously offered to keep William while I was gone, so I left all of them in the backyard to go in hopes of being back in enough time to get in on the fun again before nap time.
I got in my van and made my way down the road, and as I pulled into the parking lot of my OB-GYN, darkness descended. This office had become a very sad place for me. Watching women with round watermelon bellies waddle in and out - while remembering the last time I was there I left through the doors with tears streaming down my face, at the loss of another sweet baby. I walked through the doors, signed in and sat down to read my book until my name was called. As I sat there I just felt hopelessness and heartache seeping into my soul- something that really frustrated me, I had victory over this, I hadn’t felt this way for weeks! Why did I have to be here now? The answer was, because the doctor likes to make sure everything is okay 4 weeks after your loss. And, little did I know, God had a great lesson for me within the walls of this building I had grown to loathe!
My name was called and I got “comfy” in the little square shaped room waiting to see Dr. Tope. I sat there playing the questions over in my head that I wanted to be sure to remember to ask her. She came in and we began to talk about all that had happened, how I was feeling…etc. etc. My main question was, “Is there anything I can be doing to help prevent this from happening again?”…When I had my first miscarriage I thought, well this is a pretty common thing, it’s horrible and painful, but happens to a lot of women. Then, when the second one happened I began to really wonder if I was doing something wrong, or if there was something wrong with me..? Dr. Tope’ responded by telling me to take prenatal vitamins and that they had a panel of tests that they usually give after 3 miscarriages to narrow down causes that she would go ahead and run on me. The list of tests was about a mile long! So, I walked down to the little “lab” section that I have become so well acquainted with- going twice a week for 3 weeks until all the pregnancy hormones had dissipated for 2 lost pregnancies, you get pretty cozy with the lady with the needles…seriously, she and I are good friends! She understands that I am a wimp when it comes to needles and she’s seen me “grow up” through all the blood I’ve had to give! She used to make me lie down so I wouldn’t pass out, and now I sit up in the chair like a big girl! (that may sound silly to some, but my sisters will appreciate it- especially since they used to make fun of me, but have both recently passed out in a doctor’s office- or was it the elevator right outside? Haha!) Anyway, she came at me with 9 vials to be filled with my blood- seriously, 9! Anyway, as I say there having the “life” drained out of me- or it sure felt like it- that peace that passes any and all of our feeble understanding came to my heart and filled me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. It was a moment where I could literally feel His presence- and with it came that joy that can only come from Him. It was as though He was just pouring it out of a pitcher (guess this could go back to the whole lemonade analogy) onto my head…it ran into every crevice and corner of my heart until I was filled to bursting. As I sat there I just began to share with the phlebotomist the promises and hope that my God had for me. That I was praying and hoping and confident that the next time we would meet would be for happy reasons! Then and there it became so clear to me that my joy and the future of my family did not rely on, and would not be changed by any vitamin I could take, or any of the 25 tests that would be run on all that blood she was drawing . All the answers were being held in His strong, mighty and more than capable hands. Modern medicine is a blessing and I believe a gift from God that betters our lives- don’t’ get me wrong. But at that moment all I could think of were His promises- to give me a hope and a future. At that moment, being still I just knew that the plans that He has for our family are so much more amazing than I could ever dream up or fathom (watching William everyday is pure evidence of that!) or control and change with my own efforts and plans…and without our surrendering to Him being Lord over those plans, we would have nothing but mediocre results!
"When God comes down, He removes the immovable difficulties. When God comes down, the impossible becomes reality. God moves on behalf of the one who waits. " Anonymous