Sooo...I've been "sucked" into blogger world tonight and have been so inspired and encouraged by the testimonies I've read. Then, I thought back to the time earlier this year when I started this blog, and well, didn't get much further with it! I'm sure a lot of you are like me and love to look at all the blogs like The Nesting Place (on of my personal favs!) and follow all these fabulous ladies make over their homes for every single holiday (and I mean Christmas and St. Patrick's Day are now on the same decoration playing field!) and seemingly just redecorate because, well, they can! It makes me feel like the things that are going on in my life are not so "cutesie" or "stylish"....but, you can rest assured, they don't cost as much! :-) As a result, I just kind of walked away from the blog world.
Well, after reading several tonight, I thought to myself...I'm just going to look back at mine and read what I had written. God got me all over again! Let's just say that the Davis' have been handed kind of what you might call a bushel of lemons over the last week! Have you ever tried to pick up a bunch of fruit, or toys or anything small really and balance them all in your arms- only to drop all of them on the floor and watch them roll under the couch (never to be seen again!)? Well, I've been "juggling" the lemons this week for sure! When really- I need to just hand them over to the One who can make something sweet and refreshing out of them! On February 24th- my 27th birthday- I woke up at 5:30 to get ready for work. I had taken a pregnancy test the previous week, only to get a negative result...but the left over test was just staring at me....so, I took it. When I got out of the shower- MUCH to my surprise I got my best birthday gift of the day! It was positive! I was so excited!
I should add here that this was not planned and was truly a huge surprise! I had been struggling over the past weeks after finding that my part time teaching position would no longer be an option next school year whether or not to go back to work full time or to stay at home with William. I told my sister that I had prayed for a flashing neon sign to come from the sky and instead, God sent me a baby!
So, needless to say, this was one of the most exciting birthdays...ever! As the next few days passed we began to tell our family and just a few other people (we lost a baby at 16 weeks in 2006, so with good reason proceeded with caution in telling everyone we met on the street we were pregnant...although, it was pretty tempting!). We began to dream of what a great big brother William would be, planning for rearrange and make room for another Davis in our cozy little abode, what would we name them...and Jay was absolutely sure that it would be a girl! He even had William talking all about a baby sister! And of course, anyone who knows me knows I was dreaming about hair bows, smocked dresses, nursery decor and all things monogrammed! They were just those good days when you wake up and for those first few minutes you just can't help but smile and give glory to Him who gives us life!...and all the wonderful things that go along with it! Then, at the beginning of the following week, I began to feel so uneasy. I could just really sense Satan's attack on the insecurities of my heart. I was asking everyone who knew to just pray for peace- I told my mom that I didn't remember feeling that way with William- but we had already had 3 ultra sounds by this point and had heard his little tiny heart beat. My appointment was still almost 2 weeks away-and that would just have to be soon enough. Trust Elizabeth, trust in Him! We had already learned the hard way that babies never really belong to us- we have to trust God with their care from the very beginning of their lives. I went to bed Thursday night with some strange cramping and I told Jay that I just knew something was not right....but, somehow, slept like a baby praying that God would just "do His thing!"...I awoke the next morning with an alarmingly familiar feeling in my abdomen. Cramping...I think I knew long before this morning the road that would lie ahead...piled high with those lemons I had promised to hand over....but I just couldn't swallow that- not now. I told God while I was in the shower...we'd already lost a baby, we learned a lot, we don't need to go there again, right God? As I drove to school I pleaded with God to let me keep the baby- with tears pouring down my face I talked to my mom and just told her over and over "I can't do this again, I just can't". I did not want to descend into that deep, dark pit that I had fallen into 4 years previous. It was such a dry and desolate time for me- but a time of refining none the less. As I pulled in to school I tried to compose myself to go in and face a room full of 5 year olds- until I could make my escape to go to the doctor. As I walked into my room, my parapro and my neighbor teacher knew something was not right. Shelley teaches in the room next door and we began @ Strong Rock together 3 years ago....she coached me through my pregnancy with William- and is just a precious friend. When she found out what was going on she was already getting her purse and keys to take me to the Dr. so I wouldn't have to drive there alone. I'm so thankful that God gives us friends like that! Instead she arranged things in my room so I could be in the office when they opened. The symptoms continued to worsen- and I braced myself for the news I knew I would hear. It was like a dream....a horrible alternate route for the dreams that had been floating through my mind for the past week! After an ultrasound it was confirmed that I was in the process of miscarriage...and so the journey began- at that moment I had a choice to make....would I go to the pit or the throne? (or for the blog's sake..the lemonade stand!) My arms were beginning to be piled with lemons, they were about to spill over and roll all over the place into every area of my heart and mind- making things sour....So, I chose the throne- begging God to help make our heartache into something sweet, refreshing and glorifying to Him! I can't really explain it- don't know if it's because I have William and he is absolute pure love and sunshine to my soul...or that I just know we will make it through but the peace of God reigned in my heart through that weekend and weeks beginning. I don't know if you've ever had a time in your life when you could almost tangibly feel God just holding you up- knowing all those who were interceding on your behalf for His peace. It was awesome. As the week has gone on Satan has pummeled me with a few lemons-especially Thursday. But,...there is much comfort to be found- and even more to be given from what I've learned and continue to learn.
Psalm 22 was written during a time in David's life when he was definitely juggling lots of lemons..in verse 1 he asks God why He is so far away. Times like these in our lives it can often feel that way...but, I've come to the conclusion that it's because we are running from Him in the opposite direction with lemons flying everywhere.....while He sits and waits with sugar, and ice.